


I guess I'll hang my Tears out to dry [Edited]

by tay_tay19



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Apologies, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Reconciliation, Sickness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-28
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-04-28 15:33:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5095913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tay_tay19/pseuds/tay_tay19
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been nine months since Ryan left Panic! with a lot of bad feelings on all sides. Now after all this time a text brings Brendon to Ryan's doorstep and he's not sure what to expect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a Frank Sinatra song. 
> 
> Thanks to all those who are bearing with me while I pull my little disappearing act. I've edited this one shot and added a little bonus at the end for you all. I'm slowly working my way back to writing.

          "What do you want Ryan?" Brendon's voice was filled with agitation and Ryan was tempted to reply just as coldly but he held his tongue. It had been nine months since he’d been face to face with Brendon, his ex-best friend, his ex-lover; He hadn’t even thought he'd get this far. He never thought that Brendon would agree to come to his house. Not after the words they had exchanged. Not after the promises he had broken. So when the doorbell rang and he found Brendon actually standing on his porch slightly damp from the rain, he’d been sure he was dreaming.  
  
          "Ryan, I swear to god if you got me over here for no goddamned reason at three in the fucking morning I am going to kick your ass" Brendon's harsh words slapped Ryan back into reality; he remembered why he had been so desperate as to seek comfort from the man standing in front of him. His composure broke then and a sob was ripped free from his chest; he forgot everything that happened between them as he threw himself into the arms of the younger man, hiding his face in the damp cotton of Brendon’s damp t-shirt. Brendon froze at first; He was shocked by the sudden display and he wasn’t sure how to respond. Ryan had never been one to let other people see him emotional, he thought that it made them seem weak. Brendon knew then, He knew that Ryan’s reasons for contacting him had to be serious.

Brendon wraps his arms around the crying man and holds him tightly, the person he held in his arms then was no longer the man that he’d grown to dislike so much. Once again he was the shy boy that stuttered out a whispered greeting in Spencer's garage. He was the boy that locked himself in a bathroom stall because his nerves were too much to let him go on stage. He's the boy that Brendon fell in love with drinking Capri suns in a mall parking lot at four in the morning as they waited for the sun to rise.

          Ryan had always been skinny, Brendon was sure that he’d lost even more weight in the time that they had been apart. Brendon had no issues as he lifted the other man into his arms and carried him to the living room so they could lie together on the couch. As he ran his fingers through Ryan’s hair he had noticed how short it was. Ryan had always been so particular about his hair that Brendon could not help but wonder why he had cut it that way. He considered asking right then and there but he couldn’t have brought himself to break the calm.

          The two men didn’t speak to each other, as they lied on the couch wrapped in each other’s arms. Ryan had stopped sobbing, he lied silently as the tears ran down his cheeks. Brendon's always had had a way of calming him; Even before they were lovers he'd always seek comfort in the singers arms; It was like they created a barrier protecting him from the pain that the world caused him. It was his safe haven, his castle. As they lied together Ryan finally felt like he was whole again. Like the pieces that had been missing in the years they had been apart had finally been found. He wanted to tell Brendon how he felt, he wanted to tell him that he was still in love with him. That he was sorry for all the things he had done wrong. He wanted to beg Brendon to take him back, but he couldn’t. He knew he couldn’t. He needed the comfort that Brendon was giving him now and he knew without a doubt that if he had voiced his thoughts Brendon would have left him to suffer alone once more. So Ryan just tightened his arms around the man's waist and pressed his face into the curve of his neck as he wished he could go back in time.

          "Ryro" Brendon spoke softly, the old nickname slipped out easily enough and Brendon was worried it might have given him away, might have revealed how badly his heart had been broken when Ryan left. Ryan didn’t respond but Brendon knew he was listening. He brought a hand up and carded his fingers through Ryan’s hair once again. "Ry you gotta tell me what's wrong... I can't help you if you don't" He pressed his lips to Ryan's temple because was right there and Brendon knew that Ryan loved the attention, or at least he had in the past.

          "I fucked up Bren... I fucked up bad." Ryan's words were muffled as he pressed his face against Brendon's neck.

          "What do you mean?" Brendon would have held his breath if he hadn’t thought it would’ve given him away. He prayed, no he's begged that Ryan was finally going to apologize, that this was Ryan wanting to go back. He knew he'd have accepted it in a heartbeat if Ryan had just said those words. He wanted his bandmate, his best friend, his lover back. He wanted lazy nights on the bus, nuzzled under too many blankets slowly making out as a movie played in the background. He wanted secret looks shared on stage. He wanted to wake up in the middle of the night in a too cramped bunk with his lover draped over his chest. All Ryan has to do was ask.

          "Everything Bren... I've fucked up everything. That's all I've ever been really. I let my dad down... I let Spencer down... I've ruined every relationship I've ever had... I let you down... You shouldn't even be here right now. I don't deserve this... I don't deserve you."

"Ryan... Babe please, don't talk like that." Brendon rubbed circles on his back as he spoke, "Tell me what happened. I'm here and I'm not going away." Ryan liked the sound of that. Ryan liked the idea of just lying there for the rest of his life. His crying has left him drained and he wanted nothing more than to just fall asleep in Brendon's arms one more time.

"I don't deserve you" Ryan mumbled again, as he twisted his fingers in the fabric of Brendon's t-shirt.

"Talk to me Ryan. Don't fall asleep yet. I haven't seen you like this in a long time... Not since your dad..." Brendon frowned at the realization. He remembered how bad Ryan got when his dad passed away. He remembered breaking all the rules they had set when they first started dating. He remembered holding hands no matter who was around and Ryan pressing close to him whenever he could. He lost all his own strength and Brendon had been more than happy to share his.

"Will you sing to me Brendon?"

"Will you tell me what's wrong?"

"In the morning... If you're still here."

"I'll be here Ryro."

"Will you sing for me then?"

"What do you want me to sing?"

"Anything, Just sing anything" Ryan sighed. Brendon nodded his head and ran through the songs in his head trying to pick the perfect one. One that would let Ryan know how he felt.

 **"The torch I carry is handsome**  
**It's worth its heartache in ransom** "

Brendon started to sing softly. His lips brushed against Ryan's ear with each word. A small smile formed on Ryan's lips and that was all the encouragement Brendon needed to continue.

**And when the twilight steals**

**I know how the lady in the harbor feels**

**When I want rain, I get sunny weather**

**I'm just as blue as the sky**

**Since love is gone, can't pull myself together**

**Guess I'll hang my tears out to dry**

Ryan's breaths slowed a bit and the tension in his body slipped away. Brendon continued to rub his back as the words left his mouth.

**Friends ask me out, and I tell them I'm busy**

**Must get a new alibi**

**I stay at home, and ask myself "Where is he?"**

**Guess I'll hang my tears out to dry**

**Dry little tear drops, my little tear drops**

**Hanging on a stream of dreams**

**Fly, little mem'ries, my little mem'ries**

**Remind him of our crazy schemes**

Ryan shifted a bit, trying to get closer to Brendon even if it wasn’t physically possible. He didn’t want this to end.

**Yes, somebody said "Just forget about him"**

**So I gave that treatment a try**

**And strangely enough, I got along without him**

**Then one day he passed me right by**

**Oh well**

**I guess I'll hang my tears out to dry**

As the song came to an end Brendon could feel his eyes were wet with tears. He'd been a fool to let Ryan get away from him. He'd been an idiot to not chase after him, to not calm him down. He knew he could have done it. He'd done it a million times before. If he had just had a little bit of patience they never would have been apart for this long.

"Ryan... I love you so much." he whispered.

"Love you more Brenny" Ryan responded, his voice thick with sleep.

"We can fix this. We can make this work. I love you."

"Say it one more time?"

"I love you. I'll tell you however many times you want when the morning comes." Brendon smiled.

But the morning didn’t come for Ryan. Brendon awoke as the early morning sun streamed in through the window. He smiled at first when he felt the arms around him but it quickly faded away when he realized something was wrong. There was no warmth in the body that rested against his own.

Oligodendroglioma, a brain tumor, the doctors told him. They had discovered it years ago and began treatment but it came back. Ryan refused the treatment, he wanted his hair back. He told the doctors that if he was going to die he wanted to die with good hair. He was told he wouldn’t live long without it. He had just smiled at them and said he'd already stopped living. His time was up and he wanted to leave the world in his own way. So despite the pain he was in. He had gone home and He sent a text that had been sitting as a draft for far too long and he waited.

 


	2. BONUS

****Bonus****

***2005***

The show’s made Brendon a nervous wreck. The whole situation still had him in shock if he was honest with himself. He couldn’t believe that in such a short time the band he had joined has suddenly skyrocketed. Now they were supporting Fall Out Boy, a band that he idolized, on tour. Even more than usual his brain was a mess of thoughts that seemed to ping pong from one idea to the next. His head was spinning and he knew even as he stepped off the stage that he wouldn’t be able to sleep that night. The after party was a whirlwind of activity. Pete Wentz had led him around a room jammed full of people and introduced him to all sorts of people. Brendon couldn’t remember the names of any of the people Pete had introduced him to and he was so scared that he’d run into one of them and look like an idiot. He knew they must have been important people.

          When they stopped for the night in the parking lot of a twenty-four hour wal-mart he took his chance to escape from the confines of their bus. He made his way across the parking lot and sat down on the cool cement of a curb and pulled his knees to his chest. It was colder outside than he had expected and he wished that he’d brought a jacket out with him but he couldn’t be bothered to go back for one. The cool air felt kind of good against his skin, despite the goosebumps, and it helped to calm his mind leaving only one thought left. He missed home. He missed the sound of his moms singing as she cooked breakfast, he missed the sound of their neighbor mowing his lawn too early in the morning.

          He had all but convinced himself to pack up his things and hop on the next greyhound home when a warm body was suddenly pressed against his side and the itchy wool of a blanket tossed carelessly over his shoulders. He looked to the side and saw that it was Ryan beside him, the older boy had woken up when he heard the bus door closed.

          “I thought you might be cold.” Ryan mumbled as he picked at some grass growing out of the pavement.

          “I was thank you.” Brendon managed a smile. He wondered how he was going to break it to his bandmates that he wasn’t cut out for this life; that he was going home. He supposed Ryan would just take over as singer and they would continue on without him, he wasn’t really that important anyway.

          “You weren’t bad tonight.” Ryan’s voice was still a mumble but Brendon could feel a ball of warmth growing in his chest. Ryan was a man of few words, and it was rare that he actually paid Brendon a compliment.

          “I wasn’t?”

          “No, you were… You were good.” Ryan turned his head and the two boys gazes met. Brendon found himself lost in the honey colored eyes like he had so many times before.

          “I… That is um… I just listened to your advice. If it wasn’t for you…”

          “Brendon we wouldn’t be here without your voice. All of this is because of you.”

          “No, it’s not just me. We all work together on the music.” At Brendon’s words Ryan’s lips turned upwards in a rare smile.

          “You’re too good for us Brendon. We’re lucky to have you.”

          “Really?” Brendon questioned.

          “Really, now how about a drink to celebrate our tenth successful show?” Ryan asked. Brendon was going to protest the alcohol, after all they were both underage, but then he saw the capri suns that Ryan held in his hands and he couldn’t fight the grin that spread across his face as he nodded his head.

          The two boys remained side by side on the curb with the blanket wrapped around both their shoulders as they watched the sky above them change. They sipped their drinks slowly and spoke of the bands future and of their hopes and dreams. Just as the sun began to peek above the horizon they shared their first kiss, it tasted like strawberry capri sun, Brendon would always remember that moment as the very second he fell head over heels for the guitarist.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. I'm a horrible person. I cried while writing the ending.


End file.
